In the face of challenge and change, all of us at some point reach the limit of our self confidence. There is some situation that sets us over the edge and the narrative of our inner critic emerges.

He/she shows up when we….

make a job change and take on significantly more responsibility
become a first time parent and experience firsthand the well-kept secrets of everyday reality and challenges and despite all the preparation, we have to learn the hard way
work very hard on a business strategy and head into the Shark Tank to get buy-in from key leaders and stakeholders
go through divorce after an 8 year marriage and have to cheerlead ourselves to get back out there on the playing field
question our employability and relevance when our company announces a massive transformation
we question our leadership overall when a valued employee in our team resigns or experiences burn out
found a company and in the build up phase we take two steps forward, one step sideways

Sound familiar? These scenes are outtakes of my life and those of my tribe.

If our lives were movies, you all recognize the scenes where the inner critic shows up. You all know that movie where eerie music starts playing, someone opens the basement door or you hear that famous one liner from Luke Skywalker “I have a bad feeling about this…” Here are excerpts from movie scripts in my lives and the lives of my tribe where our inner critics make an appearance.

Depending on your genre, you might experience similar trigger scenes with slightly different settings. Your inner critic is NOT the leading role and is not invited to the Oscars of your life.

Read on to hear how you can recognize the difference, dial down the narrative of the inner critic and dial up your inner wisdom.

What usually happens when change and challenge trigger our inner critic and they enter center stage? Their monologue takes on different story lines based on our personal histories. The common character with everybody is harsh judgment of self, others, of circumstances. It boils down to two words: NOT ENOUGH. Fill in the blank: I wasn’t —– enough, they didn’t —— for me enough, there’s not enough ——- for me in this situation.

This Interlude triggers a cast of characters to enter the scene that are slightly different, depending on our personal histories and conditioning. They generally however lead to overwhelm, overthinking, stress and frustration. Your inner critic might take on flight rather than fight, please rather than control.

If your inner critic for a character in a movie, what would their famous one-liner be? Take this self-assessment to learn more.

In my previous life, I was a passionate equestrian, which is quite fitting. My horsewoman of the apocalypse gallops in when I get ready to get on a big stage or in significant moments of stress. Over time I was finally able to dim this voice so that only two words came out if at all when I face change and challenge. EPIC. FAIL. Then I move on – sooner and sooner as time goes on. This is a HUGE improvement.

If you recognize your inner critic in these stories and are feeling fed up with it, then you are ready to embrace more energy and fierce courage in your life. You’re ready to tune out the BS of your inner critic, extract whatever learning there is and rewrite the plot of the movie of your life to one you would love to live and watch.

The good news in the plot? You can recondition yourself to rewire your brain and body to respond positively to life’s changes and challenges AND here are 3 simple and easy steps (based on Positive Intelligence / PQ):

1. Intercept: Label the inner critic and its effect. For me I set aside time to  anticipate which situations in my week might trigger the inner critic and how I will mitigate her. When she enters the scene, I notice the ‘NOT ENOUGH’ mantra and the horsewoman of the apocalypse charging the scene & identify how it’s not helping. I share my experience regularly with people I trust to hold me accountable, role model courage, deepen my awareness and dismantle the critic’s power.
2. Ground yourself: Press pause on your body. Do you notice you breathe more shallowly when your kids are screaming? Do you hunch over and tense your shoulders or do you feel a pit in your stomach in a heated team meeting? Grounding yourself takes your hand off the hot stove of negative emotion – whose pain is useful only for a second. Grounding soothes your nerves, slows down your fight or flight response thus increasing your response-ability, a.k.a. self-command and ability to pause before you react. This could involve things as simple as noticing the weight of your body on the ground or your chair, the temperature of your breath, the rise and fall of your body as you breathe, focusing on 1 sense at a time. We call this mini mindfulness pause a PQ repetition, building the muscle of self-command. Starting your day with 10 minutes of grounding exercises, mini breaks around the transitions of your day will keep the inner critic voice volume down.  Exercise self-compassion before and after pivotal moments of your day. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system, creative problem solving and optimism and BANISHes your inner critic from the movie of your life.
3. Reframe to a more empowering plot turn and channel your inner hero(ine) with a simple question.

Here are some examples:

• What’s the likelihood I will be ok tomorrow? In a week? In a month? Most people I ask answer 100% to ‘tomorrow’.
• Is this presentation/uncomfortable conversation/parenting wobble really an epic fail or just a learning opportunity? 99% of the time it’s a learning opportunity.
• Imagine I would speak to my best friend, child, someone I love dearly – what would I tell them in this situation?
• At the end of my life looking back, what will still matter about this moment?
• What does this mean about what I should pay attention to?
• What is one simple action I can take to take one step further to my goals? Experience more flow?

Every moment is a new opportunity to embrace your inner hero(ine): the next performance review, interview, coaching session, presentation, afternoon alone with the kids, candid conversation with your spouse. I have seen people ace knockout tests, coaching exams, interviews, conflict conversations and go to rarely yell at their kids practicing these 3 simple steps of mental fitness. With practice, we more easily banish our inner critic and invite our inner hero(ine) to take the lead in our lives.

It’s always a good time to put your best self forward. Let’s redirect the plot together.

Further resources:

1. https://www.positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/
2. https://www.positiveintelligence.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/neuroscience-of-positive-intelligence-2022-v1-0.pdf
3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zdJ1ubvoXs&feature=youtu.be
4. https://www.positiveintelligence.com/resources/
5. https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations