What is your reaction nowadays when you read the word transformation? If it’s visceral and you think about org charts instead of caterpillars and butterflies you are probably not alone. I’ve come across many people lately who have mixed associations with this concept. It takes quite a bit of energy on my part to reframe my state of mind when I read the big ol’ T-Word for the 10,000th time in my career. On one of my trail runs I took some time to reflect on why the hell that irritated me so much and where was the gift of knowledge in the irritation and share here what came out.

There is hope in the face of cynicism here. Ultimately we all want to leave this world a better place for others than when we left it for our fellow humans and cynicism has no place in that. And that is the key word – humanity. Here’s a fresh perspective and some hope from my work with clients – to some spark for reflection and a fiery discussion hopefully.

To illustrate this point why the distinction is so important, at this venture I will (albeit somewhat cliche) introduce the perfunctory definitions:

Definition of evolution:

The process by which different kinds of living organism are believed to have developed from earlier forms during the history of the earth.

the gradual development of something

Definition of transformation:

a marked change in form, nature, or appearance.

a process by which one figure, expression, or function is converted into another one of similar value.

Why is this so important, aka why should I care?

Before reading further here a sample of coaching, maybe some delicious food for thought with people you trust:

What comes up for you when you read transformation, a marked change and something of similar value?

What comes up for you when you read evolution, gradual development & living organisms?

Knowing what’s important to you in your life, which perspective do YOU choose?

You can even take those questions to your team if you are currently experiencing a business transformation.

Here are my answers to those questions:

Transformation: lots of change & outcome generates similar values – we go through a lot of change for what benefit? No THANK YOU. In addition to coaching I’ve always loved math and the personal ROI on that MAKES NO SENSE. We can do better than that.
Evolution: gradual development, living organisms, human approach – I think of monkeys to humans & majestic Galapagos creatures – REAL LIFE evolving to be MORE ADAPTABLE to a changing environment than what was previously possible. We become STRONGER than we were before.
What perspective do I choose? Evolution. Every. Single. Time.
First and Foremost: it’s simply a more human approach to change. It’s the people that bring intention and goals into reality.
My Why: My top values are health/wellbeing/balance, connection, growth/curiosity, courage. Being in the human health business for many years & experiencing a lot of change has solidified my sense of purpose in creating healthy environments for human beings.
My Clients’ why: The more I’ve worked with clients on the human aspects of their change under their iceberg (mindset, beliefs, values, feelings, fears, dreams, needs), the more effective and sustainable the visible change and learning was…. sustained levels of engagement, more fulfillment in different positions, more balance in work life AND surpassing (not just meeting) business goals (growth, launch, YOU NAME IT) in a constantly changing environment.

The key is – do the deep work over a sustained period of time – even when things need to go fast. To make time has a lot to do with perception. Even Formula 1 Race drivers make pit stops with their teams to ensure they can keep going to reach their destination. Involve people in their abundance of resourcefulness & garner commitment – so they buy not rent.

It’s estimated that the average adult makes about 35,000 remotely conscious decisions each day. Let that sink in. Whether you are going through company and/or personal change – the good news is every day, every moment, we have a new opportunity to know what’s under our iceberg and make a conscious choice forward towards something better. We have the power to choose.

What do you choose? What’s under your iceberg?

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Recently, I hit a pretty rough patch. I was surfing the edge of a burnout. I am sharing my story of a woman leader, solopreneur and mother who also goes through stages of reinvention to meet new challenges and change. Read on to feel seen and learn from my experience.

Returning to a part-time corporate job in a massive transformation and cynical environment, with two small children, navigating building up a solopreneurship coaching business and all the self-made impatience and pressure that comes along with it. 2 Jobs, 2 Babes. I was also supporting my husband and building up his business.

Objectively I had a lot going on.

I’ve learned through massive change in my past that

We need to keep an eye on our big goals
We need to recognize and interrupt the inner critic narrative and shift to an empowering perspective and actions
Get support from a guide along the way
Practice extreme self-care

Still I hit a wall. Even experts on coaching and leadership are not perfect or immune.

I’ve had this before returning from my first maternity leave, after 4 short months. With a new child comes a lot of fulfillment, leadership learnings from adventures in parenting and still when I came back to work I forgot what I knew and again had to reevaluate lifestyle choices to manage my focus, my memory and energy.

Last year with my second child it happened again. I got very frustrated with myself this time. All of this coach training. My experience and learnings from my first child. And still, this looks like it’s going to be an epic crash.

And guess what it wasn’t.

It was terrifying to admit that my tank was empty a few months after my return and I did not yet have all the answers about how to refill it. At first I thought I would lose all credibility. I recognized the narrative of my inner critic and not the absolute truth.

Then I reminded myself I have overcome so much change and challenge in my life before – divorce and remarriage, massive health challenges, international career moves and associated leadership challenges. I have an inner strength and wisdom to get me through this.

I recognized the signs that I needed help resetting my energy and taking care of my mental well-being. In a short amount of time I got clarity on what really matters. With help from my coaches, I asked myself these key questions:

What activities will give me the highest sense of satisfaction, working and living towards my values, and taking care of my mental well-being and happiness?
What are the real 20% of activities where the risks are worthy of wise vigilance? Where there is a real risk to wellbeing? What 80% all other things where even if something went wrong, me and those I care for would be just fine and I could convert a “bad outcome into a gift or learning, strength or inspiration?
Who will I connect and collaborate with that will really move things forward – my coalition of the willing – and fill my cup?

I go forward with clear new goals and insights, first steps to achieve them and at the same time experience gratitude and wellbeing along the journey. I have remembered what I knew, have more energy and better concentration and a ton more resilience.

The inner journey I’ve been on the last 10 years made it possible to bounce back so quickly this time. I’m grateful for the coaches, manager coaches, my husband, kids, colleagues and all that played a part to support. I realize there will be further peaks and valleys of life. To sustainably balance, impact and wellbeing throughout them is an ongoing intentional practice of conscious choices.

I’ve gathered new methods along the way that I am very inspired to share with women and parent leaders that are carrying so much and deeply desire that sweet spot of balancing impact in the world at large, well-being and fulfilling relationships in their private life.

Now, with some distance from the situation, I understand the saying “your mess becomes your message”. If the story resonates with you, I would love to hear about your experience, share your inspiration with me on this topic. Let’s talk.

I’m holding out an open hand. I have rediscovered the space where impact and well-being come together. I will meet you there.

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In the face of challenge and change, all of us at some point reach the limit of our self confidence. There is some situation that sets us over the edge and the narrative of our inner critic emerges.

He/she shows up when we….

make a job change and take on significantly more responsibility
become a first time parent and experience firsthand the well-kept secrets of everyday reality and challenges and despite all the preparation, we have to learn the hard way
work very hard on a business strategy and head into the Shark Tank to get buy-in from key leaders and stakeholders
go through divorce after an 8 year marriage and have to cheerlead ourselves to get back out there on the playing field
question our employability and relevance when our company announces a massive transformation
we question our leadership overall when a valued employee in our team resigns or experiences burn out
found a company and in the build up phase we take two steps forward, one step sideways

Sound familiar? These scenes are outtakes of my life and those of my tribe.

If our lives were movies, you all recognize the scenes where the inner critic shows up. You all know that movie where eerie music starts playing, someone opens the basement door or you hear that famous one liner from Luke Skywalker “I have a bad feeling about this…” Here are excerpts from movie scripts in my lives and the lives of my tribe where our inner critics make an appearance.

Depending on your genre, you might experience similar trigger scenes with slightly different settings. Your inner critic is NOT the leading role and is not invited to the Oscars of your life.

Read on to hear how you can recognize the difference, dial down the narrative of the inner critic and dial up your inner wisdom.

What usually happens when change and challenge trigger our inner critic and they enter center stage? Their monologue takes on different story lines based on our personal histories. The common character with everybody is harsh judgment of self, others, of circumstances. It boils down to two words: NOT ENOUGH. Fill in the blank: I wasn’t —– enough, they didn’t —— for me enough, there’s not enough ——- for me in this situation.

This Interlude triggers a cast of characters to enter the scene that are slightly different, depending on our personal histories and conditioning. They generally however lead to overwhelm, overthinking, stress and frustration. Your inner critic might take on flight rather than fight, please rather than control.

If your inner critic for a character in a movie, what would their famous one-liner be? Take this self-assessment to learn more.

In my previous life, I was a passionate equestrian, which is quite fitting. My horsewoman of the apocalypse gallops in when I get ready to get on a big stage or in significant moments of stress. Over time I was finally able to dim this voice so that only two words came out if at all when I face change and challenge. EPIC. FAIL. Then I move on – sooner and sooner as time goes on. This is a HUGE improvement.

If you recognize your inner critic in these stories and are feeling fed up with it, then you are ready to embrace more energy and fierce courage in your life. You’re ready to tune out the BS of your inner critic, extract whatever learning there is and rewrite the plot of the movie of your life to one you would love to live and watch.

The good news in the plot? You can recondition yourself to rewire your brain and body to respond positively to life’s changes and challenges AND here are 3 simple and easy steps (based on Positive Intelligence / PQ):

1. Intercept: Label the inner critic and its effect. For me I set aside time to  anticipate which situations in my week might trigger the inner critic and how I will mitigate her. When she enters the scene, I notice the ‘NOT ENOUGH’ mantra and the horsewoman of the apocalypse charging the scene & identify how it’s not helping. I share my experience regularly with people I trust to hold me accountable, role model courage, deepen my awareness and dismantle the critic’s power.
2. Ground yourself: Press pause on your body. Do you notice you breathe more shallowly when your kids are screaming? Do you hunch over and tense your shoulders or do you feel a pit in your stomach in a heated team meeting? Grounding yourself takes your hand off the hot stove of negative emotion – whose pain is useful only for a second. Grounding soothes your nerves, slows down your fight or flight response thus increasing your response-ability, a.k.a. self-command and ability to pause before you react. This could involve things as simple as noticing the weight of your body on the ground or your chair, the temperature of your breath, the rise and fall of your body as you breathe, focusing on 1 sense at a time. We call this mini mindfulness pause a PQ repetition, building the muscle of self-command. Starting your day with 10 minutes of grounding exercises, mini breaks around the transitions of your day will keep the inner critic voice volume down.  Exercise self-compassion before and after pivotal moments of your day. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system, creative problem solving and optimism and BANISHes your inner critic from the movie of your life.
3. Reframe to a more empowering plot turn and channel your inner hero(ine) with a simple question.

Here are some examples:

• What’s the likelihood I will be ok tomorrow? In a week? In a month? Most people I ask answer 100% to ‘tomorrow’.
• Is this presentation/uncomfortable conversation/parenting wobble really an epic fail or just a learning opportunity? 99% of the time it’s a learning opportunity.
• Imagine I would speak to my best friend, child, someone I love dearly – what would I tell them in this situation?
• At the end of my life looking back, what will still matter about this moment?
• What does this mean about what I should pay attention to?
• What is one simple action I can take to take one step further to my goals? Experience more flow?

Every moment is a new opportunity to embrace your inner hero(ine): the next performance review, interview, coaching session, presentation, afternoon alone with the kids, candid conversation with your spouse. I have seen people ace knockout tests, coaching exams, interviews, conflict conversations and go to rarely yell at their kids practicing these 3 simple steps of mental fitness. With practice, we more easily banish our inner critic and invite our inner hero(ine) to take the lead in our lives.

It’s always a good time to put your best self forward. Let’s redirect the plot together.

Further resources:

1. https://www.positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/
2. https://www.positiveintelligence.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/neuroscience-of-positive-intelligence-2022-v1-0.pdf
3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zdJ1ubvoXs&feature=youtu.be
4. https://www.positiveintelligence.com/resources/
5. https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations

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On a hike with my family in Austria last year we stood out on a cantilever and had our picture taken. Under the platform air and a few trees were the only things separating us from hundreds of meters of altitude. Whilst we trodded the path back down to town, my calmness and surefooted movements put my daughter to sleep.

From the title of this article you can gather it wasn’t always like that.

I was reminded of the 5 times I have almost fallen off a mountain and how far I have come. Yes you read that correctly- 5 times. If I hadn’t gotten better at navigating heights in the end, you might think I would just be a little bit crazy and an adrenaline junkie. However a good mix of stubbornness, self awareness and resilience got me to keep trying and getting better at it – And I still love the mountains.

Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – does not apply here. With every near miss I learned just a little bit and applied the learnings. As a trained Positive Intelligence Coach, I recognize now that these crazy incidents were not just mishaps and mistakes but in retrospect opportunities for me to reframe and continuously learn how to be choose to respond positively in the face of challenge and change – my favorite definition of resilience.

So how can someone almost fall off a mountain 5 times? Here we go:

1. I was 12 years old on a guided hike in Colorado. The guides misjudged the route or we took a wrong turn. Suddenly I was at the bottom of a rock face with no equipment, climbing training or upper body strength. As my foot slipped, the guide’s hand on my boot was the only thing that kept me from tumbling hundreds of meters.
2. Colorado again, I was 22 and on honeymoon with my abusive first husband who had untreated bipolar disease. With pressure from that relationship permeating my body, mind and soul I did not look far enough ahead and adjust the speed of the car to the gravel road. We flipped the car and landed just over a meter from the edge of a drop off. I lived to tell the tale and needless to say it was a bad omen for the marriage.
3. Schladming, Austria. I was 23 and only the second time in my life on skis and again no training. My first husband, aka he who shall not be named – and who was born with skis on – coerced me into the Gold World Cup slope and final run. Epically bad decision. My snow plow did NOT withstand the sheer ice from the watering, snow cannons and shade of the north face. After sliding 200 m down the ice and a full yard sale, a kind German lady collected my gear and let me hug-ski my way down with her as I watched Voldemort (who did not bother to wait and help me) pretend to ignore the situation and pack the car.
4. Bad Ischl – I was 24 and on a snowshoe hike with Voldemort. We misjudged the lack of snow in the area. My snowshoe caught the root of a tree and I stumbled, catching another root to prevent myself from falling the rest of the way down the mountain. That was the last experience with black magic.
5. Arlberg – I was 33, a little older and wiser, applied a lot of the learnings from the previous near misses. Voldemort was out of the picture, I had risen like the Phoenix and my outlook on life was much more positive. My lovely now husband and I were hiking with a ski tour guide in the fresh snow. I didn’t bring my skins for the route and didn’t question if they were needed. We took a shortcut across some rocks and my boot started to slip on the rocks. Again the hand of the guide was the threshold between me and a snowy tumble a few hundred meters downwards.

Resilience is the ability to reframe and respond positively & resourcefully in the face of change and challenge. It is about overcoming challenges and converting them into gifts – either of knowledge, power or inspiration. What are the gifts of these wild adventures? Here some explanations and my takeaways.

Gift of Knowledge: even with epic mishaps, there is always something to learn. Think Nelson Mandela: “I either succeed or I learn.” Ask yourself – even if this next challenge goes complete sideways – what will I learn that will serve me and those who matter in the future?

1. Take stock of the equipment and resources needed for a snag in the road. When have you overcome massive challenge and change? What tools, people, resources surround you to help you navigate this time?
2. Study the path and conditions and build an adaptable strategy for yourself. Sometimes the shortcut ends up actually being the long way.
3. Surround myself with people that care and support my wellbeing and adventure – no Voldemorts.
4. Get a guide that knows the way into something unknown for you and can teach you a thing about the mountains – you don’t need to be so stoic, heroic, alone and it doesn’t need to be so hard. And discover the real hidden treasure paths.

Gift of Power: every challenge or seeming misfortune is the ability to grow something in yourself or gain the power to make a change in your environment. Think of Master Yoda and how jedis build their powers of the force.

I became the adult I always needed, making better judgments about upcoming challenges and being kinder to myself.  I’ve built more confidence in my resources, resilience in difficult situations. Setbacks are inevitable. It’s all about cultivating our ability for self–compassion and bouncing back.

Gift of Inspiration: you’re inspired to do something so others in a similar challenging situation can benefit from it. Think Christopher Reeve. He was dealt an awful hand becoming a quadriplegic but that did not stop him from changing the game in science for others with neurological disease and injury.

I’ve overcome and learned a lot in my life and am inspired to climb better and help others overcome formidable challenges as well. I came to love the feeling of insignificance in the backdrop of ragged peaks and the wisdom that meets me there. I am inspired to share this perspective and strength with others.

2+ years of a pandemic have been strange, tiring, lonely and interesting at the same time.  World stage challenges, climate crises and personal challenges will continue to arise. Maybe you’re recovering well-being and balance now. Maybe you’re seeking something better in your career. Maybe you’re ready for more exploration and freedom.

Let’s reap the gifts for our next mountain to climb and continue this learning adventure together.

Further Resources on the 6 factors of Resilience:

https://www.talenttools.com.au/blog/learn-the-six-predictors-of-resilience

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It was 2016 and I had just taken on my first above country HR leadership role, expanding my responsibility exponentially from my previous country ad-interim HR leadership role. The leader I had admired and that had hired me just announced she was leaving the company. 

She told me there was one case I needed to take good care of after she left – it was to facilitate the case management of an employee with stage 4 breast cancer on one of my 16 sites.

Her name was V. She had been working for the company for more than 10 years. She had been battling cancer for several of those. She was a research scientist working on life saving therapies. She was inspired by her work and her colleagues were like family to her. 

Bi-Weekly chemo had taken its toll on her and she would need a few days of rest after every round. Her health insurance company had started to put pressure on us to convince her to take disability leave and she greatly resisted the idea. I found myself sitting in one of the case management meetings with V in her headscarf, her line manager and the health insurance representative, suddenly in the position where I needed to make a call on the case and being the last instance.

Looking back, I realize this was a situation for authentic leadership. With no one jumping in to make the call for me, I had to rely on my own sage powers* of authentic leadership and partnership with her line leader to find a way forward. Here is how we handled it.

Empathy: V greatly wanted an identity outside of her terminal diagnosis and not BE her Cancer. Whilst the health insurance representative kept saying – lean back, take full time off for treatment, she insisted her inspiring work and her relationships with her colleagues were 2 of the main aspects of her life that gave her the strength to keep going. So we listened to her and trusted her resourcefuleness, not our assumption of what is good for her. 

Navigating the big picture: In a year looking back, how would we have wanted to handle her case? What impact would our handling of her case have on her family, her team & their engagement? What values  were we taking a stand for? Being responsible for 16 sites with double digit growth meant I was a busy person and this was just one of the 1000 people I was responsible for. However my intuition told me that this is one of those cases where it mattered to be on point, to put more time and effort in doing the right thing.

Curiosity: what assumptions were we making? We set aside how we would want to spend the last year of our lives and deeply listened to what she needed, which was to keep her foot in the door and spend time living and creating as much as she could. When we listened closer into the organization we found out that her colleagues gladly subbed for her when she was out for chemo and it was not an extra burden on the team. We kept observing the situation and had to make several changes as her cancer progressed, continuously reviewing our leadership decisions with V and the team.

Innovation: the solution on how to support V was not linear. It was not full work or full disability. In trusting partnership with V and her leader, we navigated that polarity together through a “yes, and” attitude, building on each other’s ideas. We found a working rhythm and contingencies in the team that met her values of connection and impact and our workforce needs to support our growing business.

Courageous action: we implemented the plan despite resistance from health insurance, productivity pressure from senior management. We consciously chose a path based on courage, inspiration and clear values, not driven by fear of disappointing or not pleasing people. Engagement increased in the team and our business kept growing.

A year later we got the news V’s health was declining and she was mostly in bed. Her team had kept in touch with her, despite being off work for several months. One day her manager visited her and let her know it’s ok if she needs the time for herself now, we will still be there for her. 

V died two weeks later. Her husband had written an email to us, thanking us for all we did for V. I like to think she had the peace of mind to let go, knowing she did all she could to leave her imprint on this world and on us. All her teammates came to her funeral. I still remember us walking out at the end of the ceremony to the song “The Scientist” from Coldplay. 

It doesn’t always take a life or death situation for us to call on our authentic leadership. Every day we face leadership challenges that are not linear and it can be very daunting. In the words of Coldplay “Nobody said it was easy.” When you consider your next opportunity for authentic leadership, take a step back. Ask if this were your last chance to do the right thing for those you lead, what would you do? What guides you?

*source: Positive Intelligence

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“Make space for something better in your life.”

That’s what my friend told me when I was contemplating if and how to finally leave my abusive first husband.

Isn’t that what a lot of decisions are about? Not necessarily about dangerous situations but 2 key questions.

What do you want to let go of? What do you chose to let in?

Read on to find a collection of real life anecdotes and key questions to gain a 360’ perspective your decision making.

The average adult makes 35000 conscious and semi conscious decisions every day.

I shared this in a previous blog post and got the full spectrum of responses. On one end – “that’s a very intimating fact, there are so many opportunities to make mistakes.” On the other end – “that’s fascinating.”

How do you perceive this decision and its consequences? As a threat? How could it be an opportunity to learn?

Now not all those 35,000 decisions are life and death. There are some like what color of socks do I wear to work. This is where some people opt for deciding on a routine to free up their mind and energy for the bigger decisions. Marshall goldsmith wears green polo shirts every day, for example.

So what about those big ones, like do I put myself forward for this incredibly leadership position with a very competitive recruiting process or play it safe with another one that’s less exciting? A client of mind made the courageous choice and she was successful. Later she told me it was because she wanted to drive her own car. She was clear about what gave her purpose and that gave her clarity and confidence to overcome any doubts.

What’s driving your decisions? Fear? Or love of purpose? What gives you the most sense of purpose?

What will still matter to you and your close ones in a year? What would your year older self tell you to pay attention to at this turning point?

A few thousand decisions and one year after my divorce I was facing a decision to let someone in to my life further. I had reinvented myself and my life and loved it.
I was pretty sure I was attracting the people that would support that, but how could I be sure?

In true HR Fashion I made an excursion with one of his friends and shared openly my fears and assumptions. She was an honest, kind and grounded person and was able to debunk my mind myths.

What assumptions am I making about this decision? How can I test them?
Who are my Allies I can test them with?

A few thousand decisions, several years and several life changes (remarriage and 2 beautiful children later) my life has become richer.
Do we always make perfect decisions? No. However perfection is not inviting. It’s a downright illusion in the realm of decisions.

Several clients of mine face decisions on how to communicate big changes in their organizations. They face pressure to communicate and execute perfectly. Here is where purpose vs. fear is useful. Also the simple fact that vulnerability IS inviting.

Of all of the decisions we have to make about these changes, which ones will be ok even if I or my team don’t make a perfect effort? Statistically speaking these will be about 80% of them. How can we do these then with more ease and flow?

Which of these decisions will still have a lasting impact in a year? Statistically speaking this is the other 20%. What values do we uphold in these important decisions?

When I work with clients that are in a culture with high conflict, and the psychological safety off, and every mistake seems under the microscope. If we take a step back and look at the full color spectrum of our lives, the impact of these decisions is put into perspective. Even if I make a mistake and this decision what’s the chance that I will be OK the next day? In a week? In a month? In a year?

If you remember, one thing about this post is that no one will make your decisions for you how you show up in group decisions is also a conscious effort however, with a few questions and people to draw out the best in you, a new path of optimism will rise up to meet you.

Photo caption: this photo was taken at the Parthenon in the acropolis in Athens, Greece. From a far the Parthenon looks like it has all straight lines. Well, in fact, there are no straight lines about it at all. The ancient Greeks built the Parthenon with curved lines, so you can see when you look up close. It gives the illusion of straight lines from a distance. A good lesson about taking a holistic perspective and challenging your assumptions in your decision making process.

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The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure – Brene Brown.

A tree doesn’t grow where it is hard and thick; a tree grows where it is soft, green, and vulnerable. Vulnerability is absolutely essential to growth. – Gabor Mate.

Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. It can actually be a source of strength and connection, and it is essential for growth. Yet, so many people struggle to be vulnerable at work, and they decide to turn away from it and put up their defenses instead. So why do people feel special pressure to put armor on at work, and what kinds of armor do they wear?

This article explores how to work with vulnerability using
1. awareness
2. grounding
3. shifts to a vulnerable and courageous perspective and way forward.
Read on to discover provocative questions and inspiring stories of people who have walked the journey of embracing vulnerability.

In 15 years of leadership and organizational development and coaching, one of the biggest reasons I have seen people put on their social armor is the fear of rejection. We do not differentiate anymore between physical threat and the threat of social rejection. It’s not an accident that management presentations have been called “shark tanks” in corporations.
So, to decrease the risk of threat, we use cynicism to protect from disappointment, perfectionism to protect from failure, pleasing and overcommitting to avoid rejection outright — needing to be the knower and be right versus the learner and get it right. These are 100% words and actions driven by our fight-or-flight self – our inner critic – our saboteurs. They solve immediate issues; however, they do not deliver sustainable solutions and keys to unfolding true potential and happiness.

“Hope and fear cannot occupy the same space – invite one to stay.” – Maya Angelou.
So choose hope. If only it were so easy. A lot of these forms of protection are rewarded at work. So how do we know if we are rewarding the right thing? How do we know we are forcing a strength?

Step One: Awareness. Question: Am I being driven by hope or fear before I make this decision? Take this conversation? Reward and recognize this in my team?
How do we choose hope and courage then?

Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is fear walking. Walk directly into your fears, with your values as your guide, toward what matters to you. – Susan David.

To make vulnerability work, we meet our fear with courage until courage eclipses. Seems simple, right? Often it is. All it takes is a break in our workday and some gentle contemplation. However, depending on what we have in our calendars, what else we are carrying in our private lives, some days it is not so easy to interrupt the thriller taking place in our mind. When have I been the most vulnerable? When going through personal and professional changes. Moving countries, changing jobs, becoming a mother, sometimes two changes at once. Parenting a highly sensitive child.

My clients experience the same thing. One client says, “My journey was tough, triggered by a terrible family event, but this event gave me the courage to develop and grow. Being vulnerable also means acknowledging that I have areas for development, and allowing myself to see the possibilities in improving those areas.”

A tree doesn’t grow where it is hard and thick; a tree grows where it is soft, green, and vulnerable. Vulnerability is absolutely essential to growth. – Gabor Mate.

Step Two: Ground yourself. For some people, this means mini-meditation, physical relaxation, practicing extreme self-care (e.g., running, forest bathing, regular yoga practice, or other endless wonderful possibilities) to interrupt the thriller taking place in our mind. There is no right answer to this part. The right answer is the one that feels like ease and flow for you, and when you practice it, ease and calm reenter your space.

Step Three: Choose a vulnerable and courageous perspective and way forward.
If vulnerability were an ingredient in a recipe for good leadership, what else goes well with it?

When I work with clients, they often quote courage and empathy – for self and others. One client says, “….. what would go with it is authenticity, empathy, courage, but most importantly self-awareness, as this is where the journey to self-growth starts. Self-awareness makes vulnerability authentic, empathetic, and accompanied by a big heart to accept feedback.”
Empathy trick: If I were to talk to a best friend or my child who is facing a similar challenge, what would I say to acknowledge their courage and strength?

Curiosity is another key factor. We lean into the unknown with courage often when we approach it with curiosity, which often involves challenging our own assumptions about opening up to new things and confronting with a sense of desire to learn and confidence that things will work out. Also, to examine our intentions about opening up and being confident about them.
Purpose: often when we explore the changes we want to see in our world, what we can influence to effect those changes, we discover the courage to address challenges with openness and courage.

A few questions to ponder:
• What is the higher common purpose that I am serving by opening up?
• What is the best that could happen if I open up about a challenge with someone?
• What is the worst that could happen? Even if – what’s the likelihood I will be ok even a week later?

When we take a step further, we get to believe that we grow from facing these things and learning. Even if facing this challenge and opening up is hard, what will I learn that will serve me later? In what way can I come out stronger?

The more we face our next frontier of development with vulnerability and courage, the more we get to become the people we need in our own lives and feel at peace with ourselves. I will leave you with this quote from another client: “It’s a lot about courage, courage to show up as myself, and this is something I learned over time. I liked my real self so much more than the girl trying to blend, be invisible, and please everyone.”

Further resources on vulnerability:
Interview with Adam Grant and Brene Brown on What Vulnerability Isn’t: https://www.ted.com/pages/taken-for-granted-brene-brown-on-what-vulnerability-isn-t-transcript

How to have vulnerable “Rumble Conversations” Toolbox from Brene Brown: https://brenebrown.com/articles/2019/05/01/lets-rumble/

Interview with Jay Shetty and Gabor Mate on the Root Cause of Trauma and the Myth of Normal, where they explore vulnerability and growth: https://youtu.be/OTQJmkXC2EI

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In the intricate dance of life, the ability to communicate effectively and persuade others is a skill that can make or break relationships and careers. It’s a skill that transcends boundaries, from the intimate realm of marriage to the fast-paced world of business. It ranges from convincing your partner to take time away from the kids for a date night to convincing a team to put an important topic on the meeting agenda.

Today, we’re going to explore this fascinating world of persuasion while trying not to trip over our own toes. The good news: you are in good company – almost everyone I work with in some way or other deals with wanting to persuade people better. If it were easy, there wouldn’t be so many books written about it!

**Positive Intelligence: The Foundation (The Pivot Step)**

Mastering the art of persuasion is not just about convincing others but also about understanding yourself and your audience on a deeper level. By embracing these techniques and conquering your inner critic, you’ll become a persuasive force to be reckoned with.

Before we dive headfirst into the deep pool of persuasion, let’s lay the groundwork with the concept of positive intelligence. In simple terms, it’s that essential moment in persuasion where:

• You recognize your inner negative talk / pressure
• You recognize the same in your dance partner
• You realize that prevents a common way forward
• You channel calm, curiosity, confidence and creativity to pivot
• You turn the conversation around to find a way forward

**Marriage: The Laboratory of Connection (Also Known as “The Happily Ever Arguments”)**

Marriage, the ultimate laboratory of connection, is where we conduct experiments in persuasion over many years. It’s like a series of dances where partners take turns leading. In this intimate setting, persuasion is putting the long game ahead of simply being right. It’s about mutual understanding and learning to stumble over each other’s toes in disagreement in a constructive way.

The key ingredient is understanding the why underlying the objections, finding common ground and navigating through this whole dance when you are in your best state of mind. This means sometimes leaving the dance floor temporarily until that’s possible.

We all stumble in the dance of marriage (I speak from recent experience); it’s about taking the stumble with perspective and finding our rhythm again. Humor is often the best sign in these situations that you’re soon dancing back in sync.

**Business: A Different Dancefloor**

In the business world, persuasion takes on a different form. Here, the stakes may be higher, and the objective is often more transactional. However, the principles of connection, courage, and vulnerability remain vital. Building a strong rapport with business partners is akin to a successful marriage – except instead of discussing whose turn it is to do the dishes, you’re negotiating multi-million-dollar deals. Close enough, right?

**Understanding Persuasion**

At its core, persuasion is about offering a solution to a felt need. Simple, right?

**Preparation for Persuasion**

Here’s a quick checklist to prepare for persuasion:

1. Identify the need and the gift you’re delivering. To get to the heart of that need, we employ a powerful technique of asking “why” in 5 iterations.

Some dance step variations: At the end of your life looking back, what will still matter about that situation? What is important to you about that? What does that make possible? How does that feel?

2. Define the problem in your audience’s words and understand why it’s essential to them.
3. Practice grounding techniques to calm your body and mind chatter and shift to optimism about your partnership with your audience. When you have genuine desire to make a partnership work, you will be the most convincing.
4. Craft memorable messages and stories to address your audience’s needs.
5. Anticipate and prepare for your audience’s objections.
6. Choose the sage mode that address your and your audience best: playful curiosity, calm wisdom, empathy, smart action, innovation.

**The Role of Presence and Calm (Because Freaking Out Won’t Get You That Promotion)**

In both marriage and business, non-verbal communication plays a pivotal role. Your presence and composure can either strengthen or weaken your persuasive efforts. Being fully present in the moment with your partner or business associate demonstrates respect and attentiveness. Moreover, maintaining a calm demeanor can diffuse tense situations and foster a receptive atmosphere. Besides, nobody ever got a promotion by yelling “fire in the conference room!” during a meeting.

**The Dance of Persuasion (Or the Art of Not Stepping on Toes)**

The art of persuasion is a delicate dance that we perform throughout our lives, whether we’re trying to convince our spouse to choose a vacation destination or negotiating with a crucial business partner. It all starts with positive intelligence, the ability to maintain a constructive mindset.

So, whether you’re navigating the intricacies of marriage or forging partnerships in the corporate world, remember that effective communication and persuasion are not just skills but a reflection of your positive intelligence and your ability to connect, have courage, be vulnerable, and maintain a presence of calm.

It’s a lifelong journey of learning, growing, and mastering the art of persuasion, with just a pinch of dry humor to keep it fun.

Mastering the art of persuasion is not just about convincing others but also about understanding yourself and your audience on a deeper level. By embracing these techniques and conquering your inner saboteurs, you’ll dance the steps of persuasion with more ease.

To do more deep work on the art of persuasion, click here for the PQ Persuasion Worksheet.

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What is your reaction when you read another post about mental health? Or participate in a discussion in your private or professional environment? 

For many of us, instantly a personal story arises – and maybe some hesitate to share our experience. Historically, society has definitely favored perfectionism and self-sufficiency – however the COVID pandemic, personal life experiences and socialization are all changing this. It has been my experience that the bravest act is to ask for help when we are experiencing mental and emotional struggle & out of the greatest challenges can come the greatest growth and learnings.

In my childhood, I encountered a significant amount of bullying, conflict in our household and various forms of unrest. Originally a playful, compassionate, creative, curious and courageous child – I became more and more anxious about social situations and ultimately was diagnosed with bulimia at the age of 16. It had been going on for years and was a gradual development, but ultimately I landed in residential treatment for a month in a facility in Wisconsin. It was humiliating, degrading and isolating at first. On September 11, 2001 I watched events in the US unfold whilst I was far away from my family – in the common room with the other patients. I had hit what a lot of people call “rock bottom” and had no more sense of self, let alone of my strengths or value.

In the  midst of volatility I experienced the most powerful cognitive behavior therapy in my life. I began to reorder how I made sense of the world and the people around me. I remember sitting in the common room one day under a blanket I crocheted myself, I started writing in a  journal and found the ability from deep within to reframe my darkest thoughts.

What did I learn?

Identify the pattern and let help in. The most powerful part of therapy is to help us see things we do not see – to identify unhelpful patterns and reframe them until we are able to do them ourselves.

Was this the end of the road? No. Mental patterns and illness that has developed over years is not magically healed in one month. It took me several more years of therapy and a battle cross-addictions until I became a functioning adult. This led to a successful move to a foreign country and successful career. It was only when living with a partner with untreated mental illness and after all efforts to love and support the problems away did I revisit a therapist. She was specialized in trauma and helped awake me from my paralysis to find a way forward and rebuild my life.

What did I gain from this experience?
A strong commitment to continuously develop myself and care for my mental well-being so it would never get that bleak again, no matter what life would throw at me. It really takes facing the hard stuff head on with skilled guidance – otherwise it will run our life.

A strong revelation that it does not need to get this bad again before I ask for help. After having my first child, at the first signs of postpartum anxiety and general struggle in balancing two full-time jobs I sought help. For the sense of well-being, to offer the best version of myself to my wonderful second husband, child, colleagues and friends.

I’ve gained immense inspiration to remove stigma around mental illness, support wellbeing in the workplace and coach leaders to manage their own shadows to gain more self confidence and create environments that support wellbeing for their teams.

What do you choose? What’s under your iceberg?

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My most powerful coaching experience was in 2016. I had mustered the strength to leave an emotionally and physically abusive husband, the house we rebuilt painstakingly with our own hands and our two precious dogs. All of what I owned could fit in a small 2 room apartment. I was free and much more peaceful, but it was daunting and I had no idea what foot to put forward first or what the future would bring.

My strong will said I can go forward and it can only get better, I just need a hand up at this very steep rock face in this moment of my life. My coach therapist was the spark that put the damaging parts of my old life ablaze. With her guidance I found that way, burnt down the parts that had held me back and damaged me to the soul. I let them go and created space for something new and better.

It was time to rise from the ashes. The silence in the absence of such strife was deafening and peaceful at the same time. There was suddenly space and so much energy to create the life I really wanted. Through the work with my trusty mountain climbing guide I wrote my bucket list – things I wanted to do in my personal and professional life that now were possible with more space and energy. I wrote a bucket list of the person I wanted to be, to myself, to my friends and if ever again, a bucket list for a relationship. I wanted to evolve into a better version of myself to experience happiness, success and positive impact on the lives of all that crossed my path.

Professionally I took on a job that stretched me in a multitude of ways & it felt good to invest in a huge shift in my career again after so many years. I wanted to experience freedom, growth and discover the outer boundaries of the territory of my potential. I had moved countries before and had experienced exponential growth. I imagined what would possible to do that without the burden of a toxic relationship and more clarity on what I wanted. I went from a local to a global role, moved from Austria to Switzerland, from commercial to manufacturing part of the business with a massive growth trajectory. It was exciting and a little bit terrifying at the same time. My new manager understood my situation, gave me a baseline of trust and amazing coaching. 

What did I make of the gifts of this experience? I put the bucket list into action, made the most of the opportunities. I then stepped into the role of the coach and mountain guide with my new business partners in that new area. Through many coaching moments and amazing teamwork, we rebuilt and implemented a new vision for our organization, doubled the production volumes of innovative therapies for serious and life-threatening illnesses, became a talent magnet for hard-sought talent and became the first company to commercially produce a new therapy for pediatric cancer.

On the personal side, I found my “people” – an amazing group of friends to share mountain adventures, travel, pizza karaoke and fine cuisine, unconditional support and friendship. I trained for and completed a half marathon, losing 25 pounds and creating lasting space for self-care & wellbeing in my life. And yes, despite completely letting go of a focused pursuit of another relationship (my plan was to adopt a herd of cats and focus on my peace), I met, built a healthy relationship with and married the love of my life  – the best romantic partner, running buddy, father of our two beautiful children (and much more) than I could ever imagine.

Has this been the end of the challenges in life? No – nothing in life is static. However it brought such gifts of learnings that have helped me through a few changes, challenges and adventures since then: 

1. The resilience, brilliance and compassion of the human spirit is stronger than we often imagine.
2. It IS possible to make something out of extreme circumstances and personal change, when the world as we know it is crumbling, volatile or unkind. When we let go of what is not serving us & find out what is, we create space for something new and better.
3. Get a guide to remind us of the strength of our human spirit, walk with and support us to create a way forward. It creates something better, sooner and with more flow than if we were to do it alone. It DOESN’T need to be so HARD.

Out of gratitude and inspiration from years of experiences of personal evolution and coaching, I’ve founded Spark & Rose Coaching – to partner with people in their experience of rebuilding something better in their career and lives, to evolve as leaders in a constantly changing environment and for everyone to unfold their full range of potential.

Whatever you are going through, there’s something better out there for you. Let’s go and get it.

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Last summer on a yoga retreat on a silver island in Greece something shifted for me fundamentally in the way I looked at wellbeing and self-care. As we were sitting in the yoga shala with a view of the deep blue Aegean sea, the yoga teacher asked us – so why are you here?

Just as the wake of the boat had swirled behind us the day before as we drove from the mainland to the retreat island, my thoughts now swirled in my head as I asked myself – what IS the most important reason for me being at this yoga retreat?

Why was I here? I told myself: to slow down and ground myself before professional change. To learn more mindfulness practices and build habits to keep my shit together better for my husband and kids on a daily basis.

Why was I seeking only extrinsic justification and motivation for visiting a week/long yoga retreat? Was I expecting that after a week I would be a kickass superhuman? Was I escaping something? Why on earth do I feel nothing when I ask myself – why would I do this for myself? Was there something wrong with me?

Those closest to us both privately and professionally DO benefit immensely when we bring the best version of ourselves. This is undeniable. What I’ve learned as well is that I was conditioned through my upbringing and work experience that there is primarily virtue in a lot of achieving and hardwork, before we earn a sense of wellbeing, belonging and happiness. This is a conditioned perspective, not an absolute truth – and it can be unlearned.

On Day 3 came the major breakthrough. I wrote a letter to my son with my wishes for his life and that I would do the best to be a good mom to play a role in his happiness and wellbeing. That evening we ended our yoga session with the usual amazing gong bath that seemed to make the world stand still and mental chatter dissolve. As I laid in the sunshine all I felt was peace and gratitude, my heart beating, freedom. Apparently a lizard rested on my chest. Our yogi told us the previous day that an open heart attracts animals. It was that day I realized I am on a journey to become the best friend and mother I have always needed – just as I want for my friends and loved ones health and happiness, then success – I want this for myself too.

Since then the desire to experience more happiness and wellbeing more often remains. I will not settle for trading off impact and wellbeing – our time on this earth is too precious for that. There is a space in life where impact and wellbeing is integrated. It lives in the space of regular pause, then conscious choice in the flow of life for more balance. Working with my coach has helped me build this muscle to pause and build this with my clients as well.

Wellbeing is a practice of integration: healthy habits into routines at home and work, lessonzs of parenting into teamwork and leadership.

Wellbeing is a practice of conscious choice:

Letting go of thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that make us unwell in mind, body and soul and get in the way of our impact and happiness in the moment
Letting in people and activities that spark our intellect, warm our hearts and nourishes our bodies

What will you let go and let in for more wellbeing? This gives us fuel to be grateful and present with what is in the moment and wisdom to balance it with the positive footprint we wish to leave on this earth.

Balancing wellbeing and impact seems like a simple concept – the fact that our lives provide us new opportunities for change and challenge continuously makes it an artform. I recently experienced a mental wellbeing rut, getting stuck in a morass of trepidation. The lasting desire to let in happiness helped me slow down right away, get a guide and return to optimism about the transformative professional journey ahead of me.

As we left the island, 10 dolphins followed our ferry, jumping over the wake with sheer fun and play. They have learned to integrate and live with change, joyfully surfing its wave.

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My most powerful coaching experience was in 2016. I had mustered the strength to leave an emotionally and physically abusive husband, the house we rebuilt painstakingly with our own hands and our two precious dogs. All of what I owned could fit in a small 2 room apartment. I was free and much more peaceful, but it was daunting and I had no idea what foot to put forward first or what the future would bring.

My strong will said I can go forward and it can only get better, I just need a hand up at this very steep rock face in this moment of my life. My coach therapist was the spark that put the damaging parts of my old life ablaze. With her guidance I found that way, burnt down the parts that had held me back and damaged me to the soul. I let them go and created space for something new and better.

It was time to rise from the ashes. The silence in the absence of such strife was deafening and peaceful at the same time. There was suddenly space and so much energy to create the life I really wanted. Through the work with my trusty mountain climbing guide I wrote my bucket list – things I wanted to do in my personal and professional life that now were possible with more space and energy. I wrote a bucket list of the person I wanted to be, to myself, to my friends and if ever again, a bucket list for a relationship. I wanted to evolve into a better version of myself to experience happiness, success and positive impact on the lives of all that crossed my path.

Professionally I took on a job that stretched me in a multitude of ways & it felt good to invest in a huge shift in my career again after so many years. I wanted to experience freedom, growth and discover the outer boundaries of the territory of my potential. I had moved countries before and had experienced exponential growth. I imagined what would possible to do that without the burden of a toxic relationship and more clarity on what I wanted. I went from a local to a global role, moved from Austria to Switzerland, from commercial to manufacturing part of the business with a massive growth trajectory. It was exciting and a little bit terrifying at the same time. My new manager understood my situation, gave me a baseline of trust and amazing coaching. 

What did I make of the gifts of this experience? I put the bucket list into action, made the most of the opportunities. I then stepped into the role of the coach and mountain guide with my new business partners in that new area. Through many coaching moments and amazing teamwork, we rebuilt and implemented a new vision for our organization, doubled the production volumes of innovative therapies for serious and life-threatening illnesses, became a talent magnet for hard-sought talent and became the first company to commercially produce a new therapy for pediatric cancer.

On the personal side, I found my “people” – an amazing group of friends to share mountain adventures, travel, pizza karaoke and fine cuisine, unconditional support and friendship. I trained for and completed a half marathon, losing 25 pounds and creating lasting space for self-care & wellbeing in my life. And yes, despite completely letting go of a focused pursuit of another relationship (my plan was to adopt a herd of cats and focus on my peace), I met, built a healthy relationship with and married the love of my life  – the best romantic partner, running buddy, father of our two beautiful children (and much more) than I could ever imagine.

Has this been the end of the challenges in life? No – nothing in life is static. However it brought such gifts of learnings that have helped me through a few changes, challenges and adventures since then: 

The resilience, brilliance and compassion of the human spirit is stronger than we often imagine.
It IS possible to make something out of extreme circumstances and personal change, when the world as we know it is crumbling, volatile or unkind. When we let go of what is not serving us & find out what is, we create space for something new and better.
Get a guide to remind us of the strength of our human spirit, walk with and support us to create a way forward. It creates something better, sooner and with more flow than if we were to do it alone. It DOESN’T need to be so HARD.

Out of gratitude and inspiration from years of experiences of personal evolution and coaching, I’ve founded Spark & Rose Coaching – to partner with people in their experience of rebuilding something better in their career and lives, to evolve as leaders in a constantly changing environment and for everyone to unfold their full range of potential.

Whatever you are going through, there’s something better out there for you. Let’s go and get it.

Click to read the whole post.